Abigail’s Pet Project

Abigail often has these passing fetishy interests and I had expected the ‘forced intoxication’ play to grow old for her and that it would already be behind us. But it hasn’t. If anything it’s escalating. I’m not turned on by intoxication per se, but I am turned on by bad behavior, by things that I should not do. And heavy drinking would be one of them. It’s not good for your health, it can take up considerable time, it renders me incapable of doing anything else, it costs money, it makes me more vulnerable to manipulation than before.

Abigail knows very well that this is why it turns me on and one of the things that has established itself and I don’t recall it being anything formal is that the money I spend on alcohol is really significant because I have to pay a fee to Abigail every time I buy. For every dollar I spend on alcohol I have to send her a dollar. This is now true of pornography and sex toys. And of course the sick thing about that dynamic is it gives her financial incentive to push me to excess, and knowing that just causes my arousal to start feeding on itself.

I don’t know how to categorize the following thought though about what else drives me, but it’s part of the dark broken parts of my psyche. I like it when she has me do things that are not good for me. It’s not the lack of caring, it’s the willfully exposing myself to a situation where bad things will be required of me. Being seemingly smart, successful, together but having hidden away this bizarre sexual attraction to being very foolish - i.e. it’s hot to drink until I pass out because I could easily stop, I don’t have to do this. But I do. My sexual need trumps every other instinct.

Last night over a period of some six hours or so I drank 11 shots of vodka which for me is an enormous amount and ultimately I crashed on my bed and went to sleep. I don’t recall doing that. I woke up incredibly horny and craving alcohol. But I can’t drink a drop without Abigail’s say so. She controls my drinking of alcohol completely. I like it like that. Some days I drink nothing. Other days like last night I drink a great deal. And it’s going to get worse. That’s what’s particularly crazy. I want it. Dark and dangerous it feels.

It’s 5pm on a bright sunny day and I’m inside finishing the vodka collins from last night. She told me to. She thought it a good idea. I don’t question. I just do it. And just now I bought a teardrop anodized aluminum cockring from the Stockroom. I’ve been wanting one for a while. I want to see the look of myself. I have cuffs and collar and regularly wear them but having no cockring doesn’t seem quite right and last night Abby relented and allowed the purchase.

And I’ve purchased Safado ..a very intense high budget fetish movie.. and I purchased it for Abigail and I paid the Abigail Fee. .. so quite a price tag. And the film definitely has a large number of very hot moments but it’s not up there with it’s predecessor Fashionistas so it was quite a price tag for ultimately a bit of a disappointing movie.

I don’t know what the remainder of the day will bring. It may be this drink and no more. It may be many drinks. That’s what’s so hot about Abigail, I really don’t know what’s going to happen at any given interaction.

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