Abigail’s Pet Project

I just paid November’s monthly fee for $250. The fact that I paid it without much reflection is on my mind. I don’t have the money. It’s more debt. It makes no sense. I should walk away. But I don’t. It’s an illness. I don’t know why I keep walking down this path.

And last night signed up for the gay section of videobox, and downloaded and watched some gay porn. I did this because Abigail asked me to. And i signed up for a site she picked. I did this without hesitation. Abigail knows what I’m like when I’m horny, and she took full advantage. Big, Black and Beautiful was one of them. Featuring a white guy and a black guy of average build sucking the large cock of big muscular bald black man.  When I’m not horny I can watch this with detachment and a sense of almost abstract curiosity, but last night I was extremely aroused before watching it and it turned me on.  Of course like any self respecting submissive male I have nasty fantasies about deep throating a massively endowed black man and gulping down enormous gouts of his come. So it triggered that. It wasn’t well made, it was a bit cheesy but I liked it.  And watching the other gay porn I found that as with straight porn I prefer intense, real, one on one sex to anything else, and the sight of a man on his knees begging “give me your load, i want it, oh yeah, come on, give me it” and then doing everything in his power to avoid the load when it comes is as depressing and unarousing as in any straight porn. Just look up at the guy and say “I don’t know if I can do this” with a look of ‘what have I gotten myself into’ on your face and blam I’m there man, that would be fucking hot, but no, it has to cater to some stupid rules about “what is hot in gay porn”. Grrr.   . Just be real. That’s all I want.

And now I have gay porn on my hard drive. Now I’m a man who has watched gay porn. I think about “Now I’m a man that watches gay porn, that strokes to gay porn”.

I’m sorry but that gets me very turned on.

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