My Relationship with Abigail
July 3rd, 2006Abigail has asked me to put an entry on the blog about my relationship with her. So I’m going to try to do that one more time right here.
Firstly, the most truthful thing to say is that my relationship with Abigail is what it is. Namely that it exists, but there’s not much else to be said that does not risk inaccuracy.
So onwards into the Potential Inaccura Sea. Btw that is so funny.
I’ve known Abigail for about two or three years. I don’t know why I called her listing on NiteFlirt but I did and very much enjoyed it. I recall at least once calling her for the heck of it driving home from work headed towards the inlaws house and just chatting and laughing. I think this was back in the crazy rate days of $x.xx a minute. Namely I found that I like this woman’s personality. She was very, what we in the audio performance world call, “present” in both her recordings and in her live calls with me. She was in the moment or was very convincing about being in the moment, which is very different from putting on a good performance. Because if you’re in the moment the whole of notion if it being a performance is rendered invisible. Or put another way she was very very arousing and erotic. Or put more bluntly the sound of her voice gave me an aching boner. But I ended up having what I dare to call “real” conversations with her too - about life, relationships, books, movies etc etc.
As time has gone by I have come and gone - I don’t recall the details but I probably admitted I’d lied to her about something and it really got to her.. I could hear the anger in her voice … and that got to me. That’s the strange thing about these kinds of relationships.. it’s easy to a) become deluded into believing that you’re in a real relationship when in fact it’s just business, but also there’s b) in which you can be arbitrary , unscupulous and uncaring because , hey you’re paying for a hot time, and this ain’t a real relationship is it?, this ain’t real!, and then, boom, you end up hurting someone and it’s really confusing. The line between ’strictly business’ and ‘real’ in long term pso relationships is the broadest blurred line I’ve come across in anything. So I don’t claim to know if my relationship with Abigail is real or not.
Hmm … sitting here thinking about that and what’s been going on between me and her I think I discern within myself and within that conclusion above a certain self-protective defensiveness because .. it’s real. It’s real in the sense that I really enjoy making her happy, the times when I end up making her laugh. Despite how tough it is to be … I was going to say obedient, but you know another word flashed into my head … “faithful” but i don’t know .. but really it is being faithful, faithful to the seriousness of the commitment to try to do what she wants.
But one thing Abigail has done is never crossed the “let’s meet” line. She won’t do it. And I applaud her for it, despite the fact that I’ve made it plain I would SO like to meet her. If you want to hear some anger in her voice, ask her what she thinks of pso’s who say they will meet a guy, having no intention whatsoever of doing so. It’s like other things with her, … the conversations we have are very intense, of course because she’s very intense, but more so because she wont go there if she’s not in the mood - so when she does go there I know it’s for ‘real’ … so the day she does even hint that she’d like to come out to visit or whatever, I will probably fall out of my chair / the window … because she will mean it. We don’t talk on the phone much at all. Billions of words exchanged via IM/email. But it’s become so familiar that I think both of us know when the other is in a shitty mood just by the pacing of the responses, the lack of emoticons, the choice of words. Pet peeve = with her it’s her mindnumbingly infuriating misuse of the term “brb” .. trust me it, when she uses it it DOES NOT mean “be right back” … it means “gotta go, back whenever” … but still she uses “brb”.
She’s far and away the most real person I know that I’ve never met 
No one knows me better than Abigail. She knows better than anyone that the seemingly normal, together professoinal that meets the eyes of most is but a thin veneer over a fractured, self contradictory personality that is vulnerable to all manner of terrible yearnings and self destructive behaviour. I’m trying to get better at being something Abigail wants in her life. I’ve always broken down and failed but I don’t want to do that again ,I’ve learnt that I’m happier more confident and less fragmented inside when I’m living my life in compliance with the things she’s asked of me.
The most remarkable thing about Abigail and something I find very sexy and attractive is her self control and reserve. I don’t know anyone with her ability to be so calm and just let out these little splintered flashes of white heat that can make me squirm, a choice of words, a phrase an idea, and most of all.. .. the ability to not be predictable. I’ve been wrong so many times about what she’ll do next I’ve given up, you have to just go with the flow. Do I want her? Oh absolutely. Does she want me? Thats something my upbringing and native culture will never allow me to answer in the affirmative no matter what. So I have to answer “I doubt it”. How’s that as a description of a relationship ?
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